Dear God,
I asked dad a really random question just now - is this Friday a public holiday or something? Because I heard from different friends that there is no school on that day. That moment on I saw his unhappy face, because I skipped school last week. He got angry and brought trouble to whatever he asked and I answered. If I knew he wasn't in a good mood, I wouldn't even ask. I was asking happily, but who knew I was only bringing trouble to myself. Tears stream down my face, the pain and hurt I feel every single day without fail. The same routine, again and again. I've no one else but You whom I can share or talk to, who would understand what I'm going through. You know what daddy said to me? He kept asking if I'm ok, am I normal or not - or is there something wrong with me? You know how much that hurts, God? My heart shattered when my own beloved father on earth said I'm abnormal. Maybe I'm not normal, not the same as everyone else. But that's because I'm different, You made me exactly how I am, I'm different because of who You are, Father! I can't take the pain God, take it away from me! I know life is not going to be any easier, but God, I really can't take it. Exam is coming, I really need my motivation to study. I don't want to be distracted. And I can't concentrate if I'm being distracted by my surroundings or even emotionally. I need to be alone. But you know what daddy had been asking? Jesslyn! Have you been studying?! I don't see you study at all! God, it hurts me a lot each and every time he says that! I don't study in front of him! He judge me like this. I'm so disappointed and hurt, when I'm so happy I manage to study effectively, but yet he shot me down just because he doesn't SEE me study. Don't judge a cake by it's icing - don't judge people by what you see! God, why can't he understand?? It demotivates me whenever he keeps asking me to study, that he doesn't trust that I actually do study behind his back. Do you think I don't want to score well? Did he scold Jovenne when she doesn't want to study and only got 3A's? I don't intend to compare, because everyone is different. Albert Einstein once said, everyone is a genius. But if you compare a fish on how fast it can climb mountains, then you'll always be a loser. God, my dad and I have different minds. He thinks differently, so do I. Moreover, he is a man. I am a woman, and woman are more emotional and caring. What more, the artistic people. God, even my cousin would understand! It's not getting any easier, I can't take it. I don't even have my own privacy. I'm a growing teenager, one of life's hardest stages. I need my own privacy to do my work, to draw, to dream, to study, to read Your Word, to look at myself in the mirror, to change... Oh God it's so irritating that I can't even change in peace - so many times daddy would be in the air well, and my room is just beside it, with windows and curtains all widely open! Can't I change in peace? He doesn't go away all the time you know. If I was a boy, I wouldn't mind. But a girl is whom you've created me into. God, it seriously hurts. I can't say it all out at once, they're too deep. They're not just about this few days, or this few years, but this one whole life since a kid. I had no one else but You to talk to. Mum would say I'm annoying when I go to her to talk, dad won't be at home. But when he is, he'd be too tired. Now? They're both retired, always at home. But I still can't seem to talk to my mum. She'd always get annoyed, and she won't be happy whenever she hears me calling 'mummy', it probably sounds like trouble to her. I don't know, but that's how she seem to respond whenever I needed someone to talk to. Miscommunication happens so so so many times. When I ask a random question, she'd think I have a motive behind it and answers something else. I always don't get the answer to my question. For example, if I show her this cute thing, she would say you don't go and waste money ah! And I would be like what? I didn't even think of buying! Oh God, why, why? God please help me to face life, please strengthen me and have mercy on me... I ain't perfect at all, and life had been very hurting to me emotionally. Father, I had been craving a lot for love lately. Sometimes I even think of finding a partner. I feel sad when I see that both my sisters have boyfriends, and me being left out alone. I feel like crying when they're being cared so much, being hugged and loved... I need hugs so badly. All I have in this physical world is my biggest Teddy mummy gave me for Christmas 7 years ago. I know I shouldn't be desperate and I've learnt how much it hurts when true love doesn't exist in a relationship. I've experienced it and I don't want to repeat the same mistake. But I keep longing to be loved. I try to be with my parents more often, now that both my sisters are always out. But it seems like absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I'm always present. Father, I know You love me. Please remind me and let me know that You're always there, and that You love me. There's no greater love than Yours... God, Father.... I love you too. Please forgive me. Please be the Light and guide me through my darkest nights. I want to follow You... Thanks for listening, God. Thanks for my friends and family. Thanks for the love and cares they show me. Thanks for Teddy. Thanks for Turffy. Please heal his ear, I really miss hugging him... Lord, I surrender myself to You, take me and use me. Let Your will be done.
Amen.
